Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
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