hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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