I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
