Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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