shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
