If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
