false alarm. still invincible.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
