An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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