thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Did I show you my penis last night?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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