Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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