Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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