he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Vodka?
Forever.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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