You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
