im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Randomize
