party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
