We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
