I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
