I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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