They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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