I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
