so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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