does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
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