I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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