Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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