After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
