My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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