literally had 100 drinks last night.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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