Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
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The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
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I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
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