I only kidnapped one of them. chill
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I AM VODKA MAN
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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