and my herpes radar will keep us safe
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
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