things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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