officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
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You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
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You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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