my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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