every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
