if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I am midnight drunk by noon
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
