I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
