My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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