somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
