Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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