I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
