Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
