I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
