I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
