I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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