haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
