I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
