You made me cry and you don't even care
Jerry, you need to find god
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
