I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
