do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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