Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
