Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
