dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
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A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
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You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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