having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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