I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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