12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
soo... how was my night?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
