She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
