so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
