I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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