Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
